What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 06:19
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It was going to be , some day.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was very sick at this time too.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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I think the readers, may guess!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What is the central theme of the entire Bible in one word (if possible)?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I don,t even have a pension.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I write beautiful poetry .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
I was seconnd youngest,
My life is so biszare .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Comes on , in middle age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Put me off passion for life!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was in good health!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I have no regrets .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What did i know ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So, i spoilt her more .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
This is soul school!.
Would this be the day?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it wasn’t much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She wouldn,t have been !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i lived it daily.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They are buried together, in the same grave..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I said to her
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When she asked me how she looked .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ive learnt so much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She found it foreign!.
My family never makes their pension either.
So whats the point in blame.
Was to survive, this bastard.
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She married twice! .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I waited trembling.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I will be 64.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im still living with it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot live in the past .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But, we were locked up after school.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She loved him until the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Who then, do I blame.?