What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:46
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ive learnt so much.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why are therapy lights so expensive?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Have you ever had your crush reject you, and then later you all dated and married?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
I have no regrets .
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She married twice! .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I will be 64.
But ive been too sick for many years..
What was something inappropriate a member of your family caught you doing?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was seconnd youngest,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was scared of men, in general
I don,t even have a pension.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was 9 years of age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Would this be the day?
It was going to be , some day.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it wasn’t much.
She was in good health!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My family never makes their pension either.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were not on the streets..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I write beautiful poetry .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We all went to grammer schools
This is soul school!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I think the readers, may guess!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What did i know ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I waited trembling.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So whats the point in blame.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But, we were locked up after school.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He knew the spot.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And i lived it daily.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was very sick at this time too.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot live in the past .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She found it foreign!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
All the time i was locked up.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My life is so biszare .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Who then, do I blame.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She wouldn,t have been !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She loved him until the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Put me off passion for life!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..